Stand for You ..

Another new recent favorite ... the Lord has been speaking to me through music much in the last few weeks.  We were able to see him in concert a couple of weeks ago too!   We have a few more to attend in the next two months. 

Life has seemed to be a long, perpetual, continuous trial ... thankfully I have the Lord to depend on, not sure how people do it who have no faith, no hope ...

I've recently been done wrong (at least to me) by Christians.  Ones who profess quite vocally  ... the sad part?  If I had not already had a walk with Jesus Christ, after recent events, I seriously doubt I would even desire to be one. What's worse, is that unbelievers have mentioned to me and asked me, how they can do that being a Christian.   We're human -- we're not perfect.  In a way now, I can "see" why some people are so turned off by "so-called Christians".  Definitely doesn't mean we have take the blows time and time again ... you don't have to take abuse from people without sticking  up for yourself.  You just have to take care of it in the right way.   Honesty is probably always best and bringing it out into the open...and letting them know.  What they do with it from there, is their problem.

Lord have mercy on my soul -- if I ever have that type of impact on someone ... its made me more aware of every word spoken or action taken ... 

Busy November -- hospital stay for Stephen, work trip to Texas, hopefully trip to Texas for wedding ... and lots of work due to losing two people in my section.  Oh, and its that time of year again -- total PET Scan on 15 November ... sigh.  In Jesus Name all will be clear.

6 May 2010

Thought I would take a moment to check in ... its been a rough few weeks.  

Michelle needs some constant -- it's like its one new season of life after another this past year. 

I go to the hospital on May 21st for a PET Scan.

Believing and trusting God for it to be clear -- it's really all I have.   Appreciate the prayers.
I've started stressing already ... and I have over 15 days to go ... then I go see Dr. S on the 27th for results.
(deep breath)

Stephen has been working almost every evening and hub doesn't get home till about 8pm.   Needless to say the house has been VERY quiet.    I'm adjusting.  One of the main problems I have is meals ... no need for dinner that late.  So, we'll see ....

Stephen has an appointment at KU on Tuesday morning, and then graduates on Saturday.
So glad I don't have to deal with the whole high school thing anymore-- college is so different.

Might I add, please don't ask me "when I am having surgery" -- I am all too aware of what I lost -- it really doesn't bother me until someone asks me, which makes me think they are trying to "picture" what i don't have it or something triggers when looking at me.  Please, just give me a small break.   Please don't ask me how I am -- or how the cancer is -- I thought you believed God healed me.  At least that's what you say one minute. 

I think I need to move .... just to have people who don't know me.  Oh, and my hair is LONG, its not been cut and just because it isn't as long as yours doesn't mean that I have done something wrong.  Or I am not in the right according to "our standards"   God knows that I never laid a scissor to my hair, never pulled it out ... but of course it had to come out.   I'm sorry that the prayers were never answered regarding losing it, but I actually never lost all of it.  I didn't want to lose my hair -- for many reasons -- and to be honest later on after losing it, I didn't want to deal with those who would judge me for the decisions we made.

You can't know what you would do unless you walk the same path and are faced with the very same decisions as someone.  I can think all I want to about what I would do .... but unless I am faced with it, I don't know.   

I seriously thought 'all the drama' was over -- I want to go on and live my life and do the very best for God that I can.  I want to make my life count -- which was my prayer this morning.  I am no hero, I am scared -- I'm a tad weary -- but my strength truly comes from Him.

Ok -- enough of that.  Can they just give me a break??   Their words need to stop at their brain before they leave their mouth.

Let's go on and live life, live for the Lord and follow the paths He has for us...in harmony.

K ?

Friday!

For some reason, it has been a particularly long week.  I have a work event tonight, and the overtime is helpful but I really don't want to work .... start at 0700 am and don't get home till about 9 or 930 pm.

One seriously LONG day.

Taking ALL the dogs to the vet tomorrow for shots .... Lexi and I are that is!  There's Sammy, Mini, Rocko and Cat.  Then Trixi and Shadow.   We are seriously taking two cars ... Sammy is a moose.

Pray for Lexi -- I knew the new office where she works would have some drama -- I worked there for a while and the top reason I LEFT.   I guess two ladies have been giving her a particular rough time.  Making her look like she doesn't know anything in front of customers, and constantly making sure she has customers -- when they really need to worry about themselves.   That kind of harassment is not fun.   She should probably call them on it -- but she has a quiet spirit -- her chain of command needs to take care of that.  It's miserable working in an environment like that -- and this is a government work environment -- there are regulations and laws governing this type of nonsense.  A simple, if you don't knock it off, then I'm writing you up should get their attention.   At our office, one man does that to one of the other ladies -- he never EVER says a kind word, its always a put down or a snotty answer, if he actually even does answer her.  I know he's been told, but they've never actually done anything ... and so it continues.  But like I told her, unless you do something and go higher, then don't complain.   I had one incident and it got ugly, but its not happened again.   I didn't back down -- and he ended up looking like a fool in front of a ton of people.  There is no way I am putting up with that on a daily basis.  So, keep her in your prayers that everything settles down.  She said she had a GREAT day yesterday ... and that's because the lady wasn't there.  {sigh} SAD.

Our driveway seriously needs some help .... ruts and mud.  I've called for some estimates, it needs to be done.  We've found if you let the little stuff go in the house, it turns into BIG things and then you have a nightmare of a house.  

Hub has one more week of work and then he's off to his new position!   He's a lot closer to home and is glad he can stop at the church for prayer before and/or after or even during lunch.   It's much easier to prayer at our church then home ... after Stephen graduates I hope to incooperate a trip there every morning, or start my walking in the morning (once things dry up!) and I pray as I go.  NO DISTRACTIONS.   =0) 

The doctor ordered an X-Ray, EKG on Wednesday -- and also a stress test.  I am waiting for the call to get that done.  I also start physical therapy on my arm on Tuesday.  It's been hurting pretty bad and limited in movement and strength.   Thankfully its right here at the local VA Medical Center, and the therapist is a certified lymphodema specialist.  No more  hour drives ...

Thanks for your prayers -- am praying whomever reads this has an awesome day!!  (and weekend!)

March 3rd

Today is a pretty significant day for me ... and there are many ... but this is one of the BIG ones.

One year ago today, I went to KU Medical Center for a mammogram .... this day and those following changed my ENTIRE world.  

My thoughts, my cares, my health, my friendships, my relationships with people .... everything ... even some of my worst nightmares came to life after this date ...

I came to realize that the ONLY one you can depend on ever is the Lord.  

My relationship with Him changed after this ... but all for the good.   

I could NOT have made any steps forward without the strength He gave me. 

I realized I am a lot tougher than I ever thought I was.

I still wish people would think before talking to me about some things -- it still hurts, its not even been six months since surgery.

Headed back to the doctor today ...

And one thing that hasn't changed is, that I still covet your prayers and am very thankful for them.

While I didn't have a lot of tangible support ... I am very glad for the prayers.

Missing Taco today.   He's still close to my heart .... hasn't been 4 months yet ...

Doctor Visit and Life

I think my stress must still be somewhere off the charts.  {sigh}   I wonder why life sometimes can't be just easy.   Would covet your prayers for our family. And yes, I do know it could be much worse.  And I'm thankful it is not!

Stephen came with me to my appointment yesterday.   So thankful for that, kept my mind busy on the long drive there.  He {obviously} doesn't come in the exam, but his prescence was a comfort to me.

Dr. Shwaiki is just an outstanding guy.  I'm thankful that I was directed to him since that is the way things panned out.  He is funny.  He wasn't feeling good at all, but he was thorough as always.

No scans or anything like that, so In Jesus Name all is still clear.  God knows.   I do go for a PET Scan in May.  I don't have to see him again until then, unless something is going on.

He told me that my case/cancer had him mad and crazy!   It wasn't the norm.  He did say that it ended up being littler than he thought and that he was much happier in the end with everything.  I think he expected it to spread / or have already done so last year.   But, our FIRST prayer was that God would contain it.

Cancer doesn't just get cut out -- it doesn't work like that at all ... and unless you've had to deal with it you probably don't know.  I always "thought" it was just a matter of cutting it out, but its not.
But we believe that God did contain it -- tumor, cells and all.   

It is truly a walk by faith.  It was before, but now its just so much more apparent.

We didn't get the answer we wanted from a certain situation .. which stinks ... but I know the Lord knows and has something better.

Someone (s?) acquired our debit card information and managed to charge some things to our account.  I am thrilled.  NOT.   It's been a great week, but can I be like ... done already??/

Doctor Day ...

Headed to see the Radiation Doctor today -- I haven't been to the doctor since December 23rd.  
(except for the scans on the 30th ...)

My hub is going with me for moral support ... I need it.

I don't go back and see the oncologist until March 23rd or so.  He wants to see me every 3 months.
I've been taking those super dose Vitamin D pills, so I hope that level is better.  It's one of the after/side effects of chemo.     I will do scans every 6 months for a while...

Believing and trusting God.   My friend Michelle told me something that I'd forgotten.  Thanks Sis!
"You know I don't believe in luck good or bad or fate either. Life is just life good and bad and it rains on the just and unjust."    I guess I just need to get over it, and realize people just don't think... =)  

Appreciate the prayers for clear scans from this day forward and for years to come!   For the glory of God.

Have a blessed day! 

Overwhelmed ....

...feeling a little overwhelmed (again!) -- not sure what brings it on, except possibly not feeling well.
I have these "new" pains/twinges throughout my body, well, I've had them since the surgery and they always scare me. {sigh} I had them before the PET scan and MRI -- but they let doubt creep in.

I'd just like to go through the day without worrying and stressing. I didn't sleep well thanks to my brain not turning off and the dogs wanting out at 0130 and 0330. Of course when I left this morning, they were all curled up in the bed asleep. {eye roll}

Things are quiet at work right now, which is okay. My work place isn't perfect (by far) but in hearing how things at other people's, makes me thankful for where I am. Plus the added benefit of meeting about 125 people a year and calling them friends, and being considered a friend by them.

Heard from a past Sri Lankan officer and he posted a photo of Jason, Noah and I with him and his wife on facebook. His caption "Some of the best human beings I have ever met in my life." What an honor, he is a pretty awesome human being himself.

Katie doesn't have congestive heart failure (thank you Lord!) but she does have a bad case of pneumonia. I told Josh what happened, he said "That's because of prayer, God changed the outlook." Amen to that.

He also answered a prayer (MANY prayers) about a missing passport. Yup, our (U.S.) state department visa office lost it; at least for a while, it amazingly showed up after being missing for about 7-8 weeks. Thanks Lord.

Stephen decided he wanted to move to Austria because of the snow (for snowboarding) -- I told him, I think in the grand scheme of the country, if the people that live there DON'T want to live there but move here, you might want to rethink that thought.

We found a home for one of the two Great Pyrenees we have. How heartbreaking. And yes, I am a sucker. Even my hub said he looked totally bummed about leaving. He has been together with his mom his entire life and now he gets shipped off to an 80 acre farm in the middle of nowhere. But he was impossible to keep in and the neighbors didn't much care for that. Of course, the mom carried on last night missing him. Poor babies. If you don't think animals "feel" sadness and grief, you can just keep that opinion to yourself. I've witnessed it -- and frankly don't care if you don't think they do. THEY DO ANYWAY. {grin}  They really are loveable dogs -- very very sweet. 

Nothing much going on -- my vacuum quit working, so that has to go in the shop for repair. I vacuum everyday with the animals and the boys that live in my house. Hub cleaned the carpet in the hallway for me last night. Thanks Babe!!

I was working on a baby blanket for a sister in our church -- and I hate the fabric! Ugh. Needless to say, I didn't make much progress. I was so frustrated; I just folded it up and put it back in the bag.

If you "do" facebook, you may have seen those iHearts that are sent.  They have all kinds of them.  Well, someone I know must have received one from someone -- it was a Breast Cancer Awareness one.  I don't send that particular one, I am well aware of breast cancer and don't care to be reminded, although others really need to be aware that it can touch anyone.  No one is exempt, young or old. Male of female.  If I had been "aware" I was at a greater risk since I had fibrous breast, I definitely wouldn't have put off my appointment by a month after finding the lump and thinking it was just another cyst.  They don't tell you that and THEY SHOULD.  OK -- off that tangent.

I don't mind receiving them either -- because I have a few in my iHeart area.  To me it just means they were thinking of me -- and that's awesome (and appreciated).  Well, in this particular case she posted it to her wall, and put something to the affect "it makes me know or think how lucky I am".  
Not sure why that "hit home" -- but it did.  Josh said that needs to be put on the fail booker site.  (He's been a huge support to me) I don't think I am unlucky because of that stupid cancer, I don't think that the Lord loves me any less because of it.  He will use it for His glory.  And I don't think you are lucky because you didn't get breast cancer yet or ever.  Luck doesn't have a thing to do with it.

I don't know -- it was just like a slap in the face to me, although I know she didn't even think of me when she wrote that.  Yesterday was one of those times, when I wanted to go through my "friends" list and hit the X. 
I mean just like coming here and reading stuff you don't want to read, then just don't come to my blog.  It's all a choice.  It's your choice, just as its my choice.   I need to choose NOT to read those things that bring me down, cause me to hurt and ache and be afraid.   Just like not reading those blogs about cancer -- the bad ones -- the good encouraging ones == well sure.  So -- debating to delete just for the sake of sanity, but I imagine feelings will be hurt in the course of things.  Of course, it matters not if mine were.

I think I rambled enough -- if you would, please continue to remember me in prayer.  My prayer is that the Lord would bless you for that!! 

Things to Remember

1.  Your hair WILL grow back, just not as fast as you want it to.
2. Wearing a hat really isn't that bad.
3. God is bigger than cancer. 
4. The devil is just a big fat liar.
5. Don't read blogs about women with cancer -- especially those that are not doing well.  Ugh.
6. Your faith and trust are in the Lord Jesus Christ.
7. He has you in the palm of His hand, and He knows what He's doing -- so quit worrying.
8. Live life to the fullest, wherever you are in life. 
9. Love, live and laugh and smile more.
10. Take time to listen and just enjoy the moments instead of looking for the big things.

Got the call ....

and this award ... the  Lord and friends have truly been a huge blessing to me this year. 

Michelle has been up with me in the middle of the night  -- chatting with me and helping me stay sane!!

I was truly trying to be patient about the test results, but the last two days have been stressful.   That's putting it mildly.  I try to stay strong for everyone else.  Jason at work probably sees me at my weakest most days ... I'm thankful he puts up with me.   I think we were both stressing about the call today!!

Thanks Jason!   I could never repay you for all your support and putting up with me.

And I'm losing my eyebrows again, how goofy is that?   Ugh.

MRI and PET Scan both do not show any signs of Metastasis

Thank you Lord!!!

and thank YOU for all your prayers!!

MTF~!

Wondering if I'll start glowing??

MRI on the brain done, and for those who wondered, Yes there IS a brain inside my skull.  

PET Scan done -- they inject radioactive glucose in your vein ... nice ... surely I will start to glow a bright green color here shortly.  Which proves sugar isn't any good for you. 

And now the wait begins ... hate waiting for news.   Even though I am hoping and believing for good things.  We've seen the hand of the Lord throughout this entire trial ...  my faith is weak.  It's been a rough road ... and I am praying this is the end of it.

I will see the doctor every 3 months, his request.  Scans every 6 months.  {sigh} But by the grace of God they will all be clear ... starting this morning ...

3 inches of snow hit us this morning ... it was an interesting drive to St. Luke's.   I need tires. Bad.  

I have to go pick out glasses and get Stephen his replacement lenses.   I have that crud that is going around -- went to bed about 630 last night ... thanks to my vitamin regiment, its not as bad as some of my friends.  Ugh. 

Our neighbor plowed the drive again ... what a blessing!  Time to get some cleaning done while I feel like it before we brave the elements~!    Thanks as always, for your prayers.

I used cereal boxes to pack some of the gifts, but then actually gave

Ca'pn Christmas Crunch cereal to Josh and Stephen...

Puppies hung out with dad during the opening of the gifts, Mini too!

Josh and Lexi got dad the Motorola Cliq -- for a combined birthday and Christmas gift, but to get the great price they ordered it online and it didn't make it for Christmas .. so Josh made a box!

My birthday cake ... dad said that was more fitting a saying after this year.

Puppy Lap -- they think this is the best spot ... in fact one is crying at my feet now to get up here!

This was when we had all 4 in the house

Machine Broke!

Was on the highway headed to St. Luke's when they called and said the machine wasn't working.
(sigh)   Would have just as soon get it over with.   Please pray I can get this done by 12/31/2009 -- so I don't have any payments due for the procedures.  IJN!   (Also pray for clear scans!!)  Believing and trusting the Lord for that. 

MRI on the brain still a go for Wednesday morning.  Bright and early.

We had a ton of snow for Christmas... more to follow!   Working!

Mondays

Mondays are always wonderful!   I type that in jest ... I did accomplish a lot yesterday which was a relief off my shoulders. 

Nice visit with the Radiation Oncologist - Dr. Lindstrom.  She's awesome.  She asked me if I wanted a month off, or even two weeks to give myself a break.  It would be nice, that there are two main issues with that.  The leave issue and I wouldn't do that to my co-worker with a new class coming on Jan 2nd.  He's been here for me this year, taking up a lot of my slack.  No way.  She understood that.  Honestly, I could probably use it.   You can only go on light speed for some long.

The area looks amazingly.  The Lord has kept the damage/skin irritation to a bare minimum.  I saw another lady's that was there by her neck ... it wasn't pretty.  Plus she was talking about helping with the bandages to her husband.   Doc even gave me a hug at the end.  Super nice lady.  They've all been great to me.

I see Dr. Shwaiki on the 23rd of December.  My Radiation graduation date!  IJN only good news.

We lost one of the goats yesterday ... (sigh) ... it was the colored female.  Females are worth more to us than the males.  Not sure if it was just the cold.  She didn't act sick before -- how sad.   Hub put up tarps to close them in from the wind.  We have heaters, but we are afraid of fire out there.

We found a new home for the puppy we called Koko.  He now has a new name of Spike.  He has a home with a mom, dad and 2 little boys.   Glad for that.  Here's a photo of him, isn't he cute?

The puppies do NOT like the cold.   I bundle up and take them out and stay out there with them or else they are crying at the door before doing their business.

We went to see the Christmas Pageant at Raytown Baptist Church on Saturday.  
One word: AWESOME.  If there were any more performances, I'd go again.  Amazing.  Definitely on the list for 2010.

Tonight is: The Nutcracker!!  Going with Sis H and Sarai will be there with a couple of her friends.  Lexi works it.  So the ladies are going.   Can't wait!!

Busy week -- no menu plan on paper, but I do have one in my head.  Thursday night will be spent cooking for the Annual Christmas Dinner/Potluck on Friday evening. Doing easy stuff, but it will be plentiful  I could never just bring cokes or sliced bread!   LOL!   I enjoy making it (most of the time)
Saturday morning will be last minute stuff -- and then cooking baking at the house the rest of the evening.

I remember this morning, I need to pick up something for Judy and the bus-driver and a teacher that Stephen adores.  =)   Any suggestions???  The teacher is an art teacher.   I wish I remembered when I was in KC on Saturday.  

Stephen just texted -- he got a perfect score on his Algebra final.  He is doing amazing with his grades this semester.  

Better get to work -- lots to catch up on.  RT today -- #27!!!

Friday ... No answers yet

Visited with the nurse yesterday afternoon, who in turn visited with the doctor this morning. I have to hold my arm up above my head and grab a bar -- I've never had a problem doing that and keeping it there the entire time. Couldn't do it. Had to put it down between treatments and treatments last 10-15 seconds.
No answers really. I did ask if she thought it was cancer in there but she said no. I know, I know. But I AM human and I think I am just getting a tad weary. Ok, a lot weary.

Feeling run down today and not well at all. Supposed to be flying on a plane Sunday morning ... {sigh}... I do not want to go if I am sick. I've scaled back on my vitamins, but I did feel so much better taking them. Or it’s just that I haven't been ill since the first part of April. Cold -- sick, not chemo sick. Still take B17 and the multi vitamins-- but not the rest. I may take them this weekend and Monday and Tuesday while gone to see if it changes how I feel.

Please pray for me. I don't want this cancer back, and the Lord knows that too. I think its all been too much lately. I think our whole family is tired, no, I know our whole family is tired.

Been reading a bunch of thankful posts on Facebook -- and this isn't a slight -- just what goes through my mind. A lot of them have been thanking God for their health. You know .... I did do that. I did it quite often in fact. For my children too. Makes me wonder and questions things with this cancer. But I try to remember, that it could be worse ... so I am thankful for my current good health and IJN it will stay that way for His glory. When I start not feeling well, I get all wiggy about stuff. But ya know, I felt fine when the lump was there. And I was sure it was nothing ... only it wasn't nothing.

I have to stop and thank God for Him healing me completely, 100% in every way. Some day God will use this and show me a touch of the whys.

I did get a great report from the OB/Gyn -- negative for HPV and anything else. That was awesome.

In the meantime -- please pray about this arm pain thing. I wrapped it in hopes that it was pressure inside causing it. (from nodes not draining...) It still hurts -- so I'm not sure that's it. I did move a few heavy things this past weekend but not that much when helping Sarai, but good night! But it could be because of my arm not being well yet. {triple sigh} The nurse questioned lymphodema -- IJN not that at all. But there isn't really noticeable swelling. Just lots of pain and heat doesn't help it. The nurse did tell me to wrap it for the flights. I'll go see a lympodema specialist next week if it’s not better. I'm to baby it for now.

Tomorrow is our anniversary. I have a very good husband. I don't appreciate him enough -- but he's an awesome man. He works hard to provide for our family -- long hours. He has to work tomorrow (of course!)

The puppies are growing and it sure is hard to get good photos of them. Still missing Taco's presence in our lives. But its better. Some things still catch me off guard and I've lost count of the times I've called Mini - Taco!

I go for a treatment today and then I think I will go home and lay down. I have chores to do ... but they probably won't happen, I need to pack for the trip. I have everything work related ready to go -- and probably just need to take it easy tomorrow.  But of course I want to be sure the house is clean and there is food ready for them to eat or Lexi to cook.  I told them I'd give them a list of the things I do everyday to make sure it all gets done.  LOL!  {eyeroll}  So not happening...  thanks for the prayers...

Tuesday

Long day yesterday, doc sent me to be sure it wasn't a blood clot.  Thank the Lord they could not locate any in my arm.  She said your body has been through A LOT.  Wanted to rule that out, which would be the worst thing.  She said it would not be from 3 radiation treatments.  So ... we have no clue.  Possibly still leftover trauma from the mastectomy.  ????  Hurts today but not as bad. Did take a percocet.  Just one.

Work is not good right now.  Please pray for our supervisor, he must be under a terrible amount of stress.  I am thankful for my co-workers and would hate for them to quit over things that have been happening.  Please pray that the Lord turns everything around and works things out. 


Day off tomorrow.  Stephen has school and Josh works.  {sigh}  I plan on going to the Veteran's Day parade.  We need to honor our veterans and military.  We really should support them at every opportunity.

It's been a horrible, terrible, no good week.  Blah.   Puppies are growing, I need to get some photos.  You know how hard that is?  Still missing Taco.  We all are.  It's getting better. 

Made dinner and actually ate some ... now I need to go clean up the dishes.  I dislike dishes in the sink.  Wigs me out.  When we redo the kitchen, we are so getting a dishwasher!!

Can't believe Thanksgiving and Christmas will be here in the blink of any eye...Sarai wants to host Thanksgiving dinner this year.  Should be interesting!!   =)  This starts a new season of life, since Joshua has another family to spend holidays with. 

Off to clean up the kitchen ... on facebook we are counting down to Thanksgiving with thankful posts.  My post for yesterday was I am thankful for my husband, today it was I am thankful for Taco.  No particular order cause I can post quite a few each day ...

It goes without saying that I am thankful for the Lord Jesus Christ, His saving grace and healing power every day and every hour.  And thankful for all of those that pray for me.  Prayer works.

Monday

   I hate blogger.  Just lost an entire post!! Blah.

I took a percocet to take the edge off the pain, it only takes the edge off, it doesn't go away.  I called the nurse and I see the doctor shortly.  She doesn't think it is radiation oriented with only three treatments. 

Trying to get used to the new quietness of the house without Taco.  It's getting better, but we're not there yet.

I'm not sure if it just Taco -- or the accumulation of EVERYTHING this year.  I thought I did pretty well staying strong, trying to be a hero, but I think I've hit my lowest point.  I'm tired.  I'm worried and just plain tired.   It's a constant mental battle.  We've all been getting on each other's nerves at the house.  Taco's death affected ALL of us.  He was just that kind of friend.    Josh came out of the shower yesterday with his eyes beet red.  I asked him what was wrong and he said he got water in them.  Uh yeah, right. 

The menu plan pretty much went out the window last week.  I didn't cook.  Who wanted to eat? 

So, I have some things I can cook this week:  Ravioli, Tortellini Soup, Toasted Ham and Cheese, Breakfast for Dinner, and Tilipia.  We'll see how things roll.

I am scheduled to go TDY next week from Sunday thru Wednesday.  I'm glad to get out of the house for a few days.  Too many Taco memories.  And then they all get a break from me.  I'm grumpy.  Miss him.

Will update later this evening after I get out of the doctor ... IJN things are fine. 

Decisions...

Good visit with the surgeon yesterday, healing nicely and no fluid build-up in the flaps. I don't have 100% mobility in my left arm yet so I will see a physical therapist for a few visits to fix that up. Dr N was glad to see me with hair and I told her that I hadn't felt this good in months. I feel much better than even before my diagnosis. Probably due to all the supplements I take now and my change of eating. (uh, and no chemo!)  I have been walking again too. Chipper loves that, I’m sure he missed it.

My blood pressure is still high 151/94. I have blood pressure meds, but I don't take them. I want to take my BP out of the doctor's office, but now impossible at the free machines because I can't take it with my left arm. So ... ??? I keep telling them its location that causes it, but that is probably not the case.

It was a beautiful day here in Kansas yesterday ... sunny and 70 degrees. Absolutely wonderful.

Hub and I then went to see Dr. Wall -- the Radiation Oncologist. A super nice man, he didn't have some of my history correct though. I know and keep very good track of all that’s gone on, he actually looked in the chart because he insisted. Well, he was wrong. He also said it was impossible to know if cancer was ever in my lymph nodes or not. {shrug} We decided to just be foolish enough to believe the Lord contained it and it never went there. He explained and answered all of hub's questions ... {sigh} Still believe that God will be the one to do the ultimate healing, but to be totally honest, I’m afraid not to do it. It’s not that I doubt God, maybe because I’ve relied on myself for so long, maybe I don’t have enough faith to just not do anything, probably a combination of all of it.

Radiation won't change my reconstruction procedure -- it will still have to be a TRAM Flap reconstruction . I've read it’s a tad painful after. I can't get the implants if I do radiation, and to be honest, I’m not sure if I want them anyway. I’d rather have my own stuff inside me.

Radiation would be six weeks ... no changing that. Higher doses in some areas especially the scar. They have to be very careful as my heart is right there. He said it would give me a higher percentage of it not recurring ... 30% more. Which is quite a bit. He did tell us he would recommend a doctor at Providence which is about 30 minutes from my job vs. an hour. I really like St. Luke's -- but an hour is a long drive x 2 x 5 days a week. He said fatigue and skin irritation is the problems, but of course it doesn’t come without risk.

Please remember us in prayer .... it doesn’t seem like this will ever end … that kick in the gut feeling sure is familiar. =)

Checking In ...

Doing well, back to work.   We've been busy with the Carnival scheduled for this Sunday and trying to get back into a routine. 

Mini had puppies on Saturday night ... she is a highly irrational mom -- goes nutso when she isn't with them.  She's actually driving us crazy.  She stays in her crate .. a  lot!  They are awful cute though.  I'll share some photos in the next day or so.  One is tan like Taco.   We call him a Mini Taco.


Just wanted to check in -- we go see the surgeon for one last visit next week, and then will see the Radiation Oncologist.  We have lots of questions and a huge decision to make.  I do kind of dread more treatment -- treatment means pain and fatigue.   I've been feeling pretty decent.  I still haven't regained all my mobility in my left arm YET, but it will come.  IJN!  Treatment is a good thing though.  Don't get me wrong.  This would be a daily run to Kansas City ... 5 times a week, times 6 weeks.

Here's a duh moment.  I read about a lady telling her husband she felt like she was dying when she was going through chemo.  Her hub said -- of course you do, the chemo is killing all your healthy cells.  Hello?!  Duh, me.    That one drug I had Avastin - is different, it targeted cancer cells, which is probably why I didn't feel so bad and my hair started growing back.  Definitely back in the shaving mode.   It was kinda nice not to have to do that.  =)  

A post is not a post with a photo.  Borrowing Christopher's, since I am at work.

Wednesday Wanderings ...

I seriously debated going back to work today, but I'm still pretty sore under my arms and its hard with the whole clothes thing right now. Remember the whole hair thing?  LOL!   I'm thinking that will be a repeat here shortly, my head is pretty much covered with hair now, maybe 1/2 inch?   My eyebrows so need to grow back!  I'm stuck with the camisole and it doesn't fit well under my normal shirts.  Doc said 2 more weeks before even thinking about wearing a prosthesis, mainly she doesn't want anything like that touching the skins/incisions.  Fluffs are okay and they fit in the camisole but the shape of that thing is so weird!   I debated finding another but at $60 ...  I need to remember I need to get at least 2 bras, plus the prosthesises (sp) and the bras are about $50. each.  {sigh}  Any suggestions of finding these cheaper?   

I did get my drains out -- I had the surgeon laughing at me, told her I was wimpy and a friend offered to come with me, and she said, that wouldn't be good, cause then you would have to act brave, when you sure aren't feeling it.  LOL!   It wasn't bad.  Follow up in 2 weeks, to see if fluid needs to be removed, and that should be interesting.  I told my friend how, and she sure wasn't ready for even hearing it!  She was brave and offered to come though.  My left arm is still pretty tight and painful, so I need to work on some exercises.  

I have a list of things to keep me busy today -- its too quiet.  First on my agenda is a walk.  I'm making it my normal route, albeit a tad slower.   Hub has off Friday, so it will only be quiet today and tomorrow.   I might do some running errands tomorrow.  I'm hoping they use my donated leave, because I am totally out of sick leave.   I've done pretty well -- but if I do radiation, that will be one hour a day of leave. (30 hours!)  {sigh}   I do have annual leave, but I'm praying they take the donated first.  I was blessed with 219 hours.  

Its chilly here this morning -- about 30 degrees.  Hub still has to paint the wood stove and move it back into the house, and then we need to start splitting the huge pile of wood out there.   (all free wood!) 

We have our Annual Sunday School Carnival on the 18th of October, so lots to do for that. 

We did get the CD of photos for the wedding ... 1783 photos!   Woah.   Mom Joyce -- yours is in the mail today!   They are amazing.   I plan on sharing some of my favorites here in the next week.   Lexi's grandma is making them a scrapbook, so ... no need for me to.   I'm thinking of a large photo book and giving it to them for Christmas.   Its definitely time to start thinking about Christmas.   

As a side note, the M&M Babies -- are doing AMAZING.  Miguel is 4 lbs 10.5 oz and Micah is 4 lbs. 3 oz.  Both are off the ventilators now -- Miguel in a crib and wearing clothes.  They both are little butterballs and oh so cute!   Their progress is truly a miracle.  Their due date is November 16th (or so) so that's still a month away and they are BIG guys.  I'm sure they will be heading home in a few weeks.  

I may make this a baking day -- with healthy low fat/low/good sugar muffins to put in the freezer.  Lexi makes Josh and herself lunch every day now, so the leftovers are put to good use.   I am seriously trying hard not to buy any cookies/snacks.  The only option is to make them myself.   =)   Making White Chicken Chili today -- for the sake of ease.   I'm thankful my pantry has everything in it already.  

Isn't the bear cute?   A free clip art set from Helena at Art 4 Crafts.

It's Done ...

My first -- and very quick look that is! Honestly -- I cried even before the NP took the bandages off. She told me, I didn't even have to look today. {I'm not that wimpy!}

She said it looked great. Healing very well -- remember when they were so worried about it all coming together?? Yeah -- none of that. I told hub and my friends, I'm not worried about that part, God will take care of it. And He did. =)

It will definitely take A LOT of getting used to. I mean, no question of that. Dr N said she was glad how it all turned out and was thrilled about the pathology report. I have a copy -- anyone know how to actually read all of it?

I came back home with the drain tubes. Blah. Still too much. If I get less than 30cc, I can call and go back in and get them taken out. The NPs can do it.

I came home with a post op camisole thingy with spots for "fluffs" and "drain bags" Interesting, this new season of life, huh? LOL! I am not supposed to wear the fluffs for another week--to be honest, they are a little bigger than mine were. {giggle} Going to have to unfluff them a bit.

I have some exercises to do -- because my range of motion is lousy. Its been hurting/burning a lot today. Probably did too much. Nah, I wouldn't do that, would I? {grin}

I can NEVER EVER get an injection, get blood drawn, or get my blood pressure taken in my arms again. Woah. It can cause lymphodema. It's not pretty and I don't want that. I think it would be worse in the left arm since all of the nodes were removed. Please pray this never happens. IJN! Even travelling by plane can affect it? They have pressure things to wear.
Talk about changes??? It says to be very careful about cuts and scrapes too.

I knew cancer would change my life, but not all this little stuff too.

My cell phone rang when I was there and it was Dr. Shwaiki. He goes on Sabbatical for the month of October, but wanted to see me this week before he goes. I go see him Thursday at 1:00pm.

I know what he is going to say. Radiation. Dr N said its definitely recommended because of the size of the tumor. Oh -- it was 6cm. Smaller than they originally thought, but still quite large.
We shall see. I would have to wait 4 weeks anyway, so no decisions yet.

Also -- no reconstruction for AN ENTIRE YEAR. 12 months, 365 whole days? Joy. If I do radiation I can not get implants, so it would be a longer more delicate surgery, and they take your tummy tissue. (I could use some of that gone, but ...)

You know what -- I'm still feeling pretty good today, excited and encouraged even after "the look" -- It's all good! God knows all about it.

Where to start ...

I had this post all typed up and gone in the blink of an eye! Ugh. For my own memory, this is part one... more later. Time to cook breakfast for the family after spending time with the Lord.


... I guess I'll start with my last treatment, August 12th (which happens to be my mom's birthday). I went for treatment as usual, although it hit me harder than the last two of this same type of treatment. I avoided learning about the chemo drugs, except for the basics. But my chemo cocktail, as they call it -- was Avastin, Carboplatin and Taxotere. Avastin is actually a pretty neat drug -- it inhibits new growth to tumours -- and its a biochemical rather than a chemotherapy drug. It's also used for Stage 4 Cancer -- the only reason I am Stage 3 is because of the size of the tumour. Which when you are done reading (this book!) is questionable.


Anyways, I went for treatment and I felt sicker than either of the last two, I couldn't shake the nausea. Also, it seemed after the last two treatments that the tumour would get harder and my brea*t would be fuller. It did that this time as well, so I didn't give it any thought. Except it started getting much bigger and basically my husband and I felt some feelings of despair. We didn't really know what to do -- hub suggested I call the doctor and just tell him what was happening. I've only called him one time between visits and that is when I had the horrific chest pain. We were praying about it, and I felt the Lord direct me to seek the Pastor's counsel. We spoke to him, and he asked how did I know it was growing? Well, aside from the entire bre*st getting bigger, I didn't. He felt that we needed to have the doctor check it, he felt there was something else there. I decided that I would just wait until the next appointment. It was about a week away by then. Keep in mind, this was right before the wedding! It was actually a blessing to be so busy and tired that I didn't think about the blasted cancer 24/7. Not that I forgot. I prayed and asked the Lord to shrink it by my next appointment repeatedly.


Aside from my husband, the Pastor and 2 sisters from church, we kept our concerns to ourselves. I could not fathom how the cancer could grow after treatments, B17, nutritional supplements, it floored me. There were some dark, dark days. My husband and I were at the breaking point, and getting frustrated with each other. Relationships were falling apart, although new ones have arisen, which is a blessing to me. One thing for sure, this cancer has changed a lot of the way I think and the way I will do things in the future.


It was still the same, but definitely larger than my visit on August 12th. I felt it shrink a little -- and probably only I could know that since I checked it all the time! I went to the appointment and my hub was able to be there. The doctor had come in but had to step out for an emergency, and hub walked in. I needed support that morning.


Dr S asked if it was better or worse. {sigh} I didn't tell him much about the growth, so I told him it was the same. He was pretty disappointed. He checked it and during it, I know I closed my eyes dreading the measurement of it. He asked if I was in pain. (whoops!) Uh, no. Just dreading it and not wanting to tell him. He said he had to make a call to another doctor and would be back. {triple sigh}


He said the tumour is no longer responding, and I feel we need to do either surgery, or if that isn't possible, then radiation to shrink it. {sigh} Hub and I are not sure about the whole radiation thing at all. He called the surgeon and the Radiation Oncologist to get me seen. He did say he thought he would still be able to help me. See, there are many types of breast cancer, treated in different ways, and treated differently for recurrence. I don't have the hormone positive thingy, so there is nothing for me after treatment. Well, except God and nutritional supplements and a largely raw diet. God's bigger than any kind of cancer.


It was a very long day and night. It was almost as bad as the night when I got the call saying they did find cancer. In retrospect from this trial, I know for fact that God doesn't put anything on us that we can't bear. We get through it, even if the way seems dark. I've seen much darkness the last five months. (waiting for CT scans results while I've tried to put them in the back of my mind, they are there constantly...)
I had to go to my appointment alone -- sometimes I hate going alone. Especially when I get bad news. I usually have a feeling about things ... but I am a trooper so off I went. Dr. Wall, the radiation oncologist was pretty nice. He seems like a very caring and gentle man. Of course, he said he doubted they could do surgery, and wanted to set me up to start radiation. But like, Dr S says, he's not a surgeon. You treat what you know best, save your opinions for those who are experts. Radiation would be daily (Mon-Friday) times 6 weeks. SIX WEEKS of driving to Kansas City every day! {ugh} That's alot of miles and a ton of gas and missing work. Then you need 4 weeks to heal before they think about surgery. Joy! 10 more weeks?? Lord, have mercy.


Another one of my worst nightmares came to the surface during our visit. He did a bunch of checking -- and ended up finding two lumps in the right brea*t. {deep breath} It's so hard to find lumps before they get pretty big due to the denseness of the tissue.

To say, I was floored is putting it mildly. I've lived with the kick in the stomach feeling -- but this definitely was a blow. He asked if they were new, uh yeah they were new.

How could this cancer grow like that, even after we had been trying everything to stop it? How could it grow even after all the prayers that were prayed ...