June 29, 2009
Keep Believing ...

I've been walking in a tunnel of darkness this past week, any and all attempts to shake it off have met with limited success. The Internet is a wonderful tool, but it has entirely too much information some times. I've been in a battle with my mind -- its been a little rough.

We had service yesterday evening -- and I had been close to tears/screaming my frustration with my trial all day -- Sis Rogers began singing the song "Keep believing in what you know is true .."

That's what I need to do. I've been having some pain and of course your mind goes off the charts ... my husband says I know what the Bible says about statistics -- don't limit God. It's not any harder for Him to heal your cancer, than it is to heal a scrape. Truth.

I know this. I need to keep believing and remembering that God is faithful. God is my Healer and my Saviour and He is with me every step of this trial. I need to stand on His promises.

I know His Word is true ...

But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed. Isaiah 53:5

Who his own self bare our sins in his own body on the tree, that we, being dead to sins, should live unto righteousness: by whose stripes ye were healed. 1 Peter 2:24

Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee. Hebrews 13:5

I have been young, and now am old; yet have I not seen the righteous forsaken, nor his seed begging bread. Psalm 37:25

11If any man speak, let him speak as the oracles of God; if any man minister, let him do it as of the ability which God giveth: that God in all things may be glorified through Jesus Christ, to whom be praise and dominion for ever and ever. Amen.
12Beloved, think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened unto you:
13But rejoice, inasmuch as ye are partakers of Christ's sufferings; that, when his glory shall be revealed, ye may be glad also with exceeding joy 1 Peter 4:11-13
The Pastor talked about how some times it seems to get much worse before it gets better, its just a smoke screen put out by the enemy of our souls. Truth. I go back to the doctor this afternoon and we are believing God for turning my situation around and start seeing results in the physical form -- not just spiritually. I'm unsure what today will bring ... but if the battle is on -- I have my spiritual battle gear on and I'm ready to fight and WIN.
I know every time I get prayed for by the elders of the church -- by the laying on of Hands (scripture) God moves in a mighty way ... its so much more than a physical battle ... its a spiritual battle as well. Pray!


June 28, 2009

Time literally does fly. I can't believe tomorrow is Monday already! I will be honest and say I've been struggling a bit this past week -- tired -- took me longer than a week to feel okay and here we start again. Its not shrunk (that i can see) so I'm unsure what tomorrow will bring regarding any treatment plans. I do know that God is with me every step of this road -- so I just need to rest in Him.

I did cook lunch today -- and it was yummy! That I actually felt like eating it, was an added bonus.

Sunday -- Grilled Chicken, Mac & Cheese, Fresh Corn and Grilled Veggies (peppers, potatoes and zucchini!!)

Monday -- Chicken Quesadillas (by faith!), veggies and fruit

Tuesday -- Invited Out. Praying well enough for this!

Wednesday -- Grilled Cheese, Veggies & Fruit

Thursday -- Calzones (still has not happened!)

Friday -- grilled burgers or sausage, veggies and fruit.

Saturday -- We usually have people over for this -- but just not sure this year if I'll be up to it. I know I will miss having a yard full of people and all the fireworks! We'll see...

As always thanks for your prayers! Have a blessed week.


June 25, 2009
Fear ...
I looked up fear online today -- and found it interesting.

fear  /fɪər/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [feer] –noun 1. a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.
2. a specific instance of or propensity for such a feeling: an abnormal fear of heights.
3. concern or anxiety; solicitude: a fear for some one's safety.
4. reverential awe, esp. toward God.
5. that which causes a feeling of being afraid; that of which a person is afraid: Cancer is a common fear.

When I first came to the Lord back in 1990 -- I was attacked spiritually and had a healthy dose of fear. There was one scripture, that I repeated to myself over and over to help me overcome.
I even had a dream repeatedly about my fear -- but later the dream was interpreted and God was showing me in the dream how to overcome my fears. If you are wondering if it worked, it did.

The verse ? Its short and simple, but very powerful, nonetheless.

Psalm 34:4 (King James Version)
I sought the LORD, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears

I do know that fear is not of the Lord -- its of the enemy.

Its not an easy road that I'm walking on during this season of life, I'm not sure of what the Lord's plan is for me and my life. I'm unsure of the reason for all this, except perhaps I am needing to make some changes in my life. I'm trying. I'm humble and willing to do whatever the Lord wants.

I'm struggling with praying -- its hard to pray when you're sick. Some mornings it takes all I have to get out of bed and make it to work. I just want to lay there and do nothing and succumb to the demands of my body. This chemo is no picnic.

But, I'm not a quitter. Never have been, never plan to be. So, I get up and just do it.

I'm also not laid back and things are not progressing fast enough for me ... I just want this thing out. I know now how to keep my body healthy (hindsight is a wonderful thing...) It is going to take a lifestyle change, but I'm okay with that. Its something I think the Lord had been dealing with me about for the last year or so, but I did alter many things, just not enough.

The day at work is almost done -- lots to get done at home -- there's no rhyme or reason to the house right now -- with the painting going on. And its just plain HOT here in Kansas! Ugh.

Thanks for the continued prayers -- total healing, tumour shrunk/gone and cancer free. IJN!

(blogger won't let me add a photo, but I will later!)


June 22, 2009
Monday Morning

Super crazy morning at work -- but I'm here. Its been kind of hit and miss with the nausea. Struggling with it right now while waiting for another student to come in. Ugh.

I had an instructor come in this morning, and tell me she is a "Survivor" I said, "I will be" She said, "No, you are one!" She went on to encourage me and told me to come see her anytime I needed to talk.
Father's Day was nice -- I made my hub a nice meal -- his favorites. We had church service in the evening and the Lord spoke about fear -- something I am struggling with. I got some super, nice hugs from Caleb, Lexi, and Josh. They seem to know when I struggle and give that little extra support.
Going to be a super, crazy, busy afternoon and evening. Hope your day goes well!
Just wanted to thank God for my healing -- and know He is with me every step of the way!

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June 20, 2009
Menu Plan Monday
One of my goals when I found out I had cancer was to make it through at work to in-process a new class of students.
I hated to leave my co-workers in the ditch -- and that happens this week. It will be long days, filled every moment with craziness, but I'm glad I got here to help.

They have been so good to me, the Lord knew I needed them. I'm with them 40 hours a week and they are a blessing to me -- one I never saw -- but one I do see now and appreciate greatly.

After this -- surgery -- whatever, I just want to get it done and over with before the wedding totally engulfs me. I'm thrilled for Josh & Lexi and did not want this sickness to interrupt their happiness -- hair or no hair. My hub sang to me last night ... "You're so vain ... " LOL! Not really, I just don't want to look like a cancer patient (even though I do!) I have a week to accomplish a mountain of things before the next treatment, or plan B or plan C happens ... the Lord knows.

Going to try and make Father's Day special for my hub -- Mother's Day just stunk, too sick to even make it to church that morning. I can't help but wonder if it will be my last ... I think I ask my hub daily, "Are you sure I'm not going to die from this?" (Sorry -- just keeping it real ...) I'm scared today, maybe because I'm just tired and worn and the enemy desires to steal my peace. Pray I can reclaim that today -- I so desperately need it in the quiet of the house this morning.

Sunday -- Hub's favorites -- Pork Chops, Mashed Potatoes, Biscuits, Cream gravy & Dessert

Monday -- Chicken Soft Tacos (yup again -- Stephen likes leftovers for lunch!)

Tuesday -- Pasta and Salad (never happened last week)

Wednesday -- Pigs in a Blanket, Veggies (never happened last week ...)

Thursday -- Calzones (ditto!) I like them filled with Ricotta cheese, but mozzarella and sausage/pepperoni are more the boys' style)

Friday -- Evening work schedule -- taking family -- they'll feed us!

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June 19, 2009
Summer Dessert Pizza

From Heritage Schoolhouse -- would like to make this for dad's day Sunday! This is her image as well -- looks yummy and from scratch!

for cookie -
1/4 cup butter, softened
1/2 cup sugar
1 egg
1/4 teaspoon vanilla
1/4 teaspoon lemon extract
1 1/4 cups flour
1/4 teaspoon baking powder
1/4 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 teaspoon salt
for glaze -
1/4 cup sugar
2 teaspoons cornstarch
1/4 cup water
1/4 cup orange juice
for topping -
8 ounces cream cheese, softened
1/2 cup powdered sugar
1 banana, sliced
1 cup sliced fresh strawberries
1 can (8 ounces) mandarin oranges, drained
2 kiwifruit, peeled and thinly sliced
1/3 cup fresh blueberries

Cream butter and sugar until light and fluffy. Beat in egg, vanilla, and lemon extract. Combine flour, baking powder, baking soda and salt; add to creamed mixture and beat well. Press dough into a greased 12-in. x 14-in. pizza pan. Bake at 350° for 14 minutes or until light golden brown. Cool completely. For glaze, combine sugar and cornstarch in a small saucepan. Stir in the water and orange juice until smooth. Bring to a boil; cook and stir for 1-2 minutes or until thickened. Cool to room temperature, about 30 minutes. For topping, beat cream cheese and powdered sugar until smooth. Spread over crust. Arrange fruit on top. Brush glaze over fruit. Store in the refrigerator. Enjoy!


Hit and Miss, I guess

Found a box of these on my desk from my co-worker. They come in handy. Had a pretty rough day yesterday -- the first time I haven't made it in to work for being ill. I've missed days when appointments filled them, but never for being too ill. Ugh! Long day. No telling what each day will bring regarding the after-effects of chemo.

I made it this morning, I may not make it all day -- I'm waiting for the relief to come ... IJN!

Hernandez Family -- thanks for the prayers! Good to hear from you. We are doing well with the exception of this cancer thing. LOL! Believing God for a complete healing.

Please pray this shrinks, my husband says its not shrinking because its not cancer. Gotta love him! Since the chemo isn't shrinking it, then God needs to so they can remove it, and we can go on with life. Everything seems to be temporarily on hold ... I just want to get on with living.
As always, thanks for your prayers, they are greatly coveted.


June 17, 2009
News ...

Our Internet is down at home -- (sigh) and its been a busy week so far.

I did go to the doctor on Monday and my counts were good ... they went from 1100 to 2342 so treatment went as planned. (ugh) I handled it pretty well, since its my 3rd treatment. One thing I did have to do was go back yesterday afternoon and they gave me just fluids, to help flush out some of the chemo. Funny that I haven't peed any more than normal, I just feel bloated and actually more nauseous today. I made it into work, mainly because I've been up since 3:30 am. It promises to be a long day.

The redness has gone down a bit, but I'm starting to get a fever. Sometimes I feel as if its not one thing, its another. I do know this "thing" needs to shrink and quick so they can take it out and be able to put it back together and hopefully get reconstruction. They did say they would do genetic testing to see if I need to have a double mastectomy, and then would just do that. Lessens the chance of it showing up on the right side. The Lord knows -- I believe in His word and I trust Him with my life. I just wish I knew that the future will bring ...
I did get a Menu Plan made -- although Monday no one ate, last night we had Chicken Soft Tacos, tonight Pigs in a Blanket, Thursday -- Pasta and Salad and Friday Calzones. Lots of Pasta but pasta is easy for me. Still trying to eat out of the freezer, our freezer is full.
Wedding plans are in full swing, and I'm so thankful for the sisters in the church who are helping me, I couldn't ever repay them. And a crazy brother who has mowed our lawn twice! You don't just mow our yard -- its pretty big. I have cookies on the way for him!
Thanks for your prayers, they are greatly appreciated. Have a Blessed Day!!

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June 14, 2009
Space Adventures 2 --

The Lord blessed with a beautiful sunny day. As you can see from the photo the day started out pretty cloudy with rain drizzling down -- but then an answered prayer arrives and the Lord blessed us with a beautiful day.
Our thanks are to Him.
Going back today to try again -- been fighting getting a cold so if you would please drop a prayer or two heavenward for me today -- it would be greatly appreciated.

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June 11, 2009
Plan B ... updated
No treatment for me today either ... my blood work was exactly the same. He said if he would give it to me, he'd end up putting me in the hospital and he didn't want to do that. (me either!!)

So... my body is fighting the infection in my breast -- not his words, but ours.

We will try again on Monday -- unfortunately there is nothing I can do to increase my WBC. He looked worried. But he doesn't like to delay treatment at all. Melinda got to meet him today, her and Daniel came with me. Daniel does not do blood very well -- poor guy! LOL!

Thanks for your prayers!


Plan B ...
Went to the doctor yesterday for treatment and to see him, I haven't seen him in a month.
Good news and bad news -- no treatment yesterday, my system hasn't recovered enough and counts were too low. Going back today. (sigh)
The tumour hasn't grown, but it also hasn't shrunk as much as they wanted. Nasty thing. So ... one more of these treatments and re-check in 2 weeks. If no improvement, then we are changing the treatment plan and not continuing with the other.

Another kind of chemo ... and maybe radiation. Its so close to the skin that while operable, reconstruction at this point would be impossible. Of course -- God is still on the throne and He knows all about this.

I walked downstairs and across the parking lot thinking, I can either stress out or leave it in God's hands. I'm leaving it in His hands. Doesn't mean I'm not concerned, but I am not going to be anxious and go nutso about it. I actually didn't wake for potty breaks during the night, so slept from about 1030 until 0430 -- which was great for me.

We talked a little about the after effects of chemo and he was shocked that I deal with nausea for about a week after treatment, he said I should not at all. I take the Zofran every 8 hours then Compuzine (sp) every 3 or so hours to control it. The plan is to give me fluids on Friday to combat it. I thought that was the norm, but I guess not. Fatigue is the norm -- which I struggle with, but the nausea I shouldn't at all.

Special prayer requests -- while I don't want chemo -- please ask the Lord to shrink it or use the chemo to shrink it amazingly in the next 2 weeks.

The infection is back -- considering my WBC is 2.8 -- it's not surprising I can't fight an infection. I am on antibiotics once again -- (sigh) I need the UTI, Yeast infection and breast infection to be cleared up -- which the Lord will have to do.

Pray for the finances with these treatments -- I've been shocked at the cost of them. KU charged the insurance $4k for Taxol, while St Luke's was $465. Needless to say my OOP at KU for the same treatment was 100% more than St Luke's. We will have to do payments, but that screws up our debt free goal by 2010. (sigh) I've almost hit the max OOP, but will still have to pay co-pays, and the max OOP is $5K.

Pray for our family -- it's been hard on everyone. I think everything is suffering -- house, relationships a little, my work -- trying to stay upbeat in the darkness that seems to want to overtake me.

Your prayers are coveted -- and another photo! A post is not a post without a photo.
God Bless.

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June 10, 2009
Some of my favorites ...

Its hard when we have 124 to choose from -- but I have to give God the glory for allowing us to have Christopher as the photographer. It's a huge blessing!

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June 9, 2009
Where did the time go?
Engagement photos are back! Christopher did an outstanding job -- the Lord has blessed him with talent.
I can't believe he's all grown up -- where did my baby boy go?
I'll share more tomorrow ...


June 8, 2009
Menu Plan Monday -- Busy Week Ahead

Going to be an extremely busy week ahead -- our class graduates at work and the new ones arrive, so lots to do for that.
Treatment scheduled - blah.

And Space Adventures II is Sunday!! Going to be fun (and work - but fun is better!)

Sunday -- Shish kabobs, Rice, Fruit

Monday -- Turkey/Beef Hoagies, Fruit and Veggies

Tuesday -- Decorate for Space Adventures -- Spaghetti and Salad, Fruit

Wednesday -- Leftovers (if any!) or more Sandwiches, Veggies & Fruit

Thursday -- Fajitas, Spanish Rice, Corn

Friday -- Homemade Pizza

We've been eating a lot more veggies and fruit -- well trying to! Nothing exciting, but I go to this blog to see what is scheduled so that works for me, or hub can make it for him and the boys.


June 6, 2009
Questions through my mind ...

Why is it okay to go to the ER when you bleed or break a bone?

Why it is okay to go to the hospital, and say have a hysterectomy? Or any surgery?
Why is it okay to take your child to the doctor when they are sick?

But its not okay to do chemo?

Where is YOUR faith in God?

I believe its exactly where mine is ... why don't you see that?


June 5, 2009
3:41 am
received a wonderful answer to prayer on a text message! I cried.

Up to use the restroom anyway and saw my phone blinking ... amazing answer to prayer.

Text from a son who gave all the glory to God for it ... Awesome!!

God is so good to us! IJN things will start looking up regarding my health too!! Amen!


June 3, 2009
Wordless Wednesday ...
Gotta love him! Loved this note.

Have a long hard day at work -- book shipments -- it was a long night. Please drop a bucketful of prayer heavenward for me too. Totally overwhelmed. (sigh)


June 2, 2009
Thoughts that float around my brain ...
This treatment hasn't seemed to linger so long.

I wake at least twice a night for potty breaks.

I forgot to pray about my organs.

Need to ask God to protect them from all this mess.

I am forgetting too many things.

I am pretty hairless ...

I forgot to pray about my eyebrows!

Now instead I worry about how I will deal with my hair growing back,

instead of how I will deal with losing it.

I still have some hair but always wear a hat outside of my house.

Considering I've been doing treatments for 6 weeks, its amazing that I do have hair left.

Thank you Lord for that -- I have a tiny bun that works great with the hats/scarves.

My husband has been taking a lot of my slack ... and doing lots of dishes.

I have noticed that my house is suffering. (sigh)

I'm tired of mail -- specifically doctor bills.

I want GOOD news at my next appointment ...

I need to question everything. EVERYTHING.

I told the docs I couldn't do the Neulasta shots.


I am now taking shots at home -- my hub gives them to me.

I have enough for 3 treatments -- the last three A/C


Can you believe that? Why didn't they offer me that in the beginning ???

I did labs yesterday after my 3 shots and they were great!!

God is good.

Just wanted to thank God for my healing ... He is my Healer!!