September 5, 2009
Where to start ...
I had this post all typed up and gone in the blink of an eye! Ugh. For my own memory, this is part one... more later. Time to cook breakfast for the family after spending time with the Lord.

... I guess I'll start with my last treatment, August 12th (which happens to be my mom's birthday). I went for treatment as usual, although it hit me harder than the last two of this same type of treatment. I avoided learning about the chemo drugs, except for the basics. But my chemo cocktail, as they call it -- was Avastin, Carboplatin and Taxotere. Avastin is actually a pretty neat drug -- it inhibits new growth to tumours -- and its a biochemical rather than a chemotherapy drug. It's also used for Stage 4 Cancer -- the only reason I am Stage 3 is because of the size of the tumour. Which when you are done reading (this book!) is questionable.

Anyways, I went for treatment and I felt sicker than either of the last two, I couldn't shake the nausea. Also, it seemed after the last two treatments that the tumour would get harder and my brea*t would be fuller. It did that this time as well, so I didn't give it any thought. Except it started getting much bigger and basically my husband and I felt some feelings of despair. We didn't really know what to do -- hub suggested I call the doctor and just tell him what was happening. I've only called him one time between visits and that is when I had the horrific chest pain. We were praying about it, and I felt the Lord direct me to seek the Pastor's counsel. We spoke to him, and he asked how did I know it was growing? Well, aside from the entire bre*st getting bigger, I didn't. He felt that we needed to have the doctor check it, he felt there was something else there. I decided that I would just wait until the next appointment. It was about a week away by then. Keep in mind, this was right before the wedding! It was actually a blessing to be so busy and tired that I didn't think about the blasted cancer 24/7. Not that I forgot. I prayed and asked the Lord to shrink it by my next appointment repeatedly.

Aside from my husband, the Pastor and 2 sisters from church, we kept our concerns to ourselves. I could not fathom how the cancer could grow after treatments, B17, nutritional supplements, it floored me. There were some dark, dark days. My husband and I were at the breaking point, and getting frustrated with each other. Relationships were falling apart, although new ones have arisen, which is a blessing to me. One thing for sure, this cancer has changed a lot of the way I think and the way I will do things in the future.

It was still the same, but definitely larger than my visit on August 12th. I felt it shrink a little -- and probably only I could know that since I checked it all the time! I went to the appointment and my hub was able to be there. The doctor had come in but had to step out for an emergency, and hub walked in. I needed support that morning.

Dr S asked if it was better or worse. {sigh} I didn't tell him much about the growth, so I told him it was the same. He was pretty disappointed. He checked it and during it, I know I closed my eyes dreading the measurement of it. He asked if I was in pain. (whoops!) Uh, no. Just dreading it and not wanting to tell him. He said he had to make a call to another doctor and would be back. {triple sigh}

He said the tumour is no longer responding, and I feel we need to do either surgery, or if that isn't possible, then radiation to shrink it. {sigh} Hub and I are not sure about the whole radiation thing at all. He called the surgeon and the Radiation Oncologist to get me seen. He did say he thought he would still be able to help me. See, there are many types of breast cancer, treated in different ways, and treated differently for recurrence. I don't have the hormone positive thingy, so there is nothing for me after treatment. Well, except God and nutritional supplements and a largely raw diet. God's bigger than any kind of cancer.

It was a very long day and night. It was almost as bad as the night when I got the call saying they did find cancer. In retrospect from this trial, I know for fact that God doesn't put anything on us that we can't bear. We get through it, even if the way seems dark. I've seen much darkness the last five months. (waiting for CT scans results while I've tried to put them in the back of my mind, they are there constantly...)
I had to go to my appointment alone -- sometimes I hate going alone. Especially when I get bad news. I usually have a feeling about things ... but I am a trooper so off I went. Dr. Wall, the radiation oncologist was pretty nice. He seems like a very caring and gentle man. Of course, he said he doubted they could do surgery, and wanted to set me up to start radiation. But like, Dr S says, he's not a surgeon. You treat what you know best, save your opinions for those who are experts. Radiation would be daily (Mon-Friday) times 6 weeks. SIX WEEKS of driving to Kansas City every day! {ugh} That's alot of miles and a ton of gas and missing work. Then you need 4 weeks to heal before they think about surgery. Joy! 10 more weeks?? Lord, have mercy.

Another one of my worst nightmares came to the surface during our visit. He did a bunch of checking -- and ended up finding two lumps in the right brea*t. {deep breath} It's so hard to find lumps before they get pretty big due to the denseness of the tissue.

To say, I was floored is putting it mildly. I've lived with the kick in the stomach feeling -- but this definitely was a blow. He asked if they were new, uh yeah they were new.

How could this cancer grow like that, even after we had been trying everything to stop it? How could it grow even after all the prayers that were prayed ...

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Blogger Crystal said...

We are still praying for you!!!!!
God is able!

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