2nd Round of Chemo -- Done!!

I just wanted to start this post with thanking God for my healing. I honestly believe that it will happen, its just not happening in my time or how I think it should be done. I am struggling a bit with discouragement this afternoon -- I felt really good this morning, but now at 3:15 -- not so much. Maybe it from all the medications in my system? I need to start drinking some fluids.

Lots of appointments in the next week. I go for all my scans tomorrow. CT scan of the chest, brain, pelvis and stomach as well as a bone scan. Pray that they are all clear. Please.

Monday my port will be inserted -- and then Thursday is the first round of the "hard stuff". Friday I have to travel back there to get a shot of Neulasta to help my white blood counts. Which I understand might make me feel like I have the flu. It might prove to be a rough few days.

I have a bunch of prescriptions to fill -- who knew? The nurses all said to take them whether I felt sick or not.

Thanks for your prayers -- for healing, hair, and peace in our souls.

They have 1,000 Cranes hanging from the ceiling in the treatment room. 1,000 Cranes for Healing. I thought that was so cool. Click here to read more about it. Image Courtesy link!

I plan on taking a photo when I go back tomorrow to show you all.

Tuesdays ...

Tuesday mornings seem to be a meltdown day for me for whatever reason.

I'm doing better today. Starting to get a bit nervous about tomorrow's appointments and things to come.

Still believing God and feel a peace about the whole situation -- or really the end result. Its just the path through that scares me a bit ... OK. A lot.

I'm thankful for my husband more and more, who just holds me when I cry when I can't seem to understand the total plan for all this. But I know God does.

I read the following this morning and it spoke to my heart and soul ...

"Trials, just like this rain, come...often unexpectedly. And just like we had no choice but to walk through this rain to get home, we have to go through trials as well. But like Eliseo who cried out as the water fell and within moments found himself safe and warm in my arms, the Lord carries us through. We are weak, but He is strong and so loving...how He cares for us! Thank you Lord for carrying us through the rain."

Image Courtesy

Overwhelmed and ...

Prone before the throne of Grace.

Sis H -- you have no idea how much of a blessing to me you have been. You just don't know.

Check your email! =)

Family/Friends: Email coming regarding 2nd opinion doctor coming today!

Thanks for the prayers -- its how we get through the minutes ...

Today makes Day 14 ...

The road hasn't seemed to get any less rockier -- I did really well with the first Chemo tx.

Honestly, I'm unsure where we go from here. The doctor said we should see it shrink 3-5 days after the first treatment, well that's today, and I'm watching it ... I can't even go there if it doesn't. Plan A will make a dramatic change as far as Dr. Khan is concerned.

I feel like people are judging my faith in God because I did go for the chemo treatment.

(SIGH)

Do you honestly think it didn't take some faith to do that?? (shudder)

We have so many decisions to make, its not even funny.

Its much easier to say what you would do when you aren't actually faced with it yourself.

If you are not living it.

Hello world I'm living it!

Its not just a tumor that they can cut out -- its a huge thing -- they think the cancer cells are floating around my body -- and chemo works best for destroying fast growing cells.

We do go to another doctor today ... for a second opinion.

What to do if he recommends the same thing?? Questions??? God I need answers.

I wish God would just speak audibly and tell me what to do.

My husband hesitates to tell me what to do -- Its just some very, very hard unknowns.

Do I believe God can perform a miracle? Absolutely.

Do I believe God can use a man to heal? Absolutely.

But what is the plan for my life? I'm 43 years old -- there are so many things I want to do yet in life ... go on a mission trip, play with grandchildren, pray those grand babies through to the Holy Ghost, win souls for His Kingdom. Enjoy some years just my hubby and me. So, very, very much ... and I believe He will heal me, but I just don't want to miss the plan He has for me...

Here's my shoes, if you'd like to wear them for a while, frankly I've grown weary of walking in them ... then let's come back and chat, what do you say? I'd like your take on things after that...

Time to get back to the living ... MPM

I did manage to get dinner in the crock pot for Sunday -- I just couldn't handle the smell of it (for whatever reason!) Thankfully we had a church mission dinner after evening service so I could eat for the day! I did feed my family though and that is what I want to ensure happens.

Sunday -- Spicy Shredded Pork, Corn and Rice

Monday -- Depends on news from 2nd Opinion Doctor - Probably Leftovers

Tuesday -- Grilled Burgers w/ Green Chile, Tator Tots, Veggies

Wednesday -- Toasted Bacon and Cheese Sandwiches, Veggies, Fruit

Thursday -- Baked Ziti from the Freezer (Chemo tx #2 ?)

Friday -- Out to Eat -- have Concert Tickets (so thankful I can go!!)

Boring plan -- but at least I have a plan!!

A New Day ...

Feeling much, much better today! It doesn't feel like I've been kicked in the gut all the time.

My hub was able to come with me yesterday, we saw the doctor and he explained much more and took a lot of time. I'll share more later -- not all good news, but good in the sense that this cancer can be beat. God of course can do it in a second -- but we were at peace with the decision to go ahead and proceed with the first chemo treatment. Chemo works the best on my type of cancer.

I had no allergic or physical reactions to it at all -- I was pretty much zonked out from the Benadryl (50mg!) and Alvatin (?) and it took HOURS. We didn't leave the Cancer Center till 7pm == and got there at Noon. It won't always be that long. I would not have been able to drive myself home -- so that will be an issue.

I'm waiting to see what day the after effects will hit -- I feel good right now. Maybe tomorrow? Or maybe its too early in the treatments.

I need to DRINK and if you know me, I am so not a drinker but I HAVE to. Need to flush it all out. My other organs don't need that chemo sitting there.

We do still go for a second opinion on Monday afternoon.

Dr. Khan said I should see it shrink in 3-5 days after my first treatment. My hub liked him. ???? One thing I found was that he answers all the calls for all his patients all the time, the only exception is when he is out of town. Unheard of alot these days... I'll share more later.

THANKS for the prayers and remember the whole hair thing.

I'll share what I told the nurse later -- can't wait to see God bring it to pass!!

P.S. If you read this blog and are offended, I'm sorry you feel that way, but its my blog and my feelings and its helping me process everything. Its not written to be a stab to anyone. I could say, if the shoes fits then go ahead and wear it, but I won't. God sees and knows our hearts and its not my place to judge anyway. I'm hoping it won't need to be a memorial until I'm like 88 years old, but God knows if my time on this earth will be short so I need to do what I need to do.

My husband doesn't beleive its a sickness unto death -- I go back and forth -- go back when I get a little scared. OK, a LOT scared.

I'm thankful for my sis-n-law, who will drop everything and come if we need her. Those are not words, I know she will. I hope it doesn't come to that. Thanks so much Becky, its means a lot.

A sister in our church volunteered to take me to treatments -- thanks so much sis -- it would be a sacrifice for you.

We have a wedding to prepare for this summer -- In Jesus Name with my OWN Hair!!!

Image Courtesy - Diller Photo

How I Feel Today

A little (LARGE?) black cloud seemed to descend on me last night.

Despair - depression - anger - weariness - fear - doubt --

to name a few.

I had been doing so well -- but I am so very tired.

I need answers so badly ...

Cancer sucks.

Image Courtesy

God is still on the throne ... prayer requests!!

It's been a wild couple of weeks -- please stop this roller coaster so that I can get off!!

I saw the oncologist yesterday -- and to be honest I didn't get a warm and fussy from him. Doctors protect each other so much, and he didn't answer a lot of questions that I had. Big questions.

Right now his recommendation for treatment is 12 weeks of Chemo with Taxol/??
Then 8 weeks of another 2 drugs, one dose of an immunity booster. Surgery. Radiation treatments after that. (I left the papers at home -- tired of thinking!!) They want it to shrink before removal.

(sigh) (HUGE sigh) Please pray for my husband, this has been very hard on him.

I think I can handle the treatments physically -- they aren't hard core doses at all. Its the whole hair thing. And not so much vanity as we believe scripture teaches women not to cut their hair. (1 Corinthians 11:5-15) I would still need to work and all that ... what would I do? I don't think I'd do bald well.

I did ask the Lord that if I have to do chemo -- He'd let me keep my hair. A young sister that went through chemo never lost hers. God can do it!

Financially this might prove tough ... we had been doing really well too. Already bills are coming in.

I still believe that God's hand is ALL OVER IT - because the oncologist said they had been getting conflicting reports. Of course they have -- God is keeping all that invasive cancer junk contained just like we prayed and they don't understand why its not doing what it should. He said it was "acting" like invasive. Hello -- acting?? I thought these biopsies were a given.
Guess not when God is doing otherwise. =)

We have some huge decisions to make in the next 24 hours -- as chemo starts at 12:15 tomorrow.

We also are going for a second opinion on Monday (different hospital).

Prayer Requests!

1. This thing shrinks. (it can just disintegrate too for that matter!)
2. God keeps containing it and it doesn't spread.
3. Financial help. That we can continue on our debt free road with no bumps.
4. If I have to have chemo -- God contains my hair in my head!!
5. We continue to have a peace about it all.
6. My husband. He's been such a rock to me -- but he's struggling, I can tell.
7. We need some support emotionally. Prayer is great and we are thankful for that, don't get me wrong. But the saying and the doing are totally out there. (eyeroll)
8. Our children. I've decided not to share everything -- only good reports from now on.
9. My co-workers and my boss have been great -- I don't want to be a burden on them.
10. I really don't want to be a burden on anyone -- but I won't be able to drive myself back and forth to appointments, and my husband can't just take off every time. Amazingly enough my co-worker would drop everything to do this for me -- she's said and shown. I'm struggling a little with people who I thought would help and have not. But then I'm expecting too much. One reason why I never depend on people -- they let you down. God never does.
11. God would bless each of you that have bombarded heaven with prayer for me!!

My results are in ...

It is more diseased than they originally thought. (sigh) It is more invasive ...
It is NOT in the lymph nodes they tested. They are clear. Praise God.

I'm still believing God will keep it contained, its what I have been specifically praying for.
Perhaps I needed to pray for God to remove it ... now I'll pray for containment and removal.

Guess, God wants to show His power more ... I am doing okay. Oncologist tomorrow at 2pm.

Pray!!

Day 8 -- The Waiting Game

I'm struggling today.

Mostly with the unknown.

I know the medical field have to know people NEED to KNOW.

My lab work has still not been released.

Frustrated with nurses who do not return calls.

Thankful for a sister who has an in there and keeps me up to date.

My son says its not back because they can't figure out where the cancer went.

LOL!

From his mouth to God's ear.

Going back and forth between wanting to know and not wanting to know.

The unknown is the worst.

I realize I can't change the results.

And I'm not sure how knowing will help,

It just will help me know what I'm up against.

And you're right, its easier to believe for someone else.

It's a tad difficult, living with the fact of it.

I feel like I'm wasting my time, and if you know me, you know I hate that.

Last night -- I just gave up and went to bed.

At 7:30 pm!

I can't say I slept but I was just exhausted from thinking.

I need to get back to the land of the living.

After I receive that call, of course!!

Day 6-7

Waiting.

Tonight at 17:16 makes one entire week with a diagnosis of cancer.

We are waiting for the second round of results.

But it didn't stop them from scheduling my surgery.

And plastic surgery appointments.

Sigh.

Last night was rough. Today is tougher.

I feel like I'm attached to the phone.

My stuff was still in the lab at 11:00 am.

I told my son that's cause they can't figure out where the cancer went!

Pray it to be true.

Watch This Now!

If you haven't already seen this video of Susan Boyle , you have to watch it.

We all love the underdog -- you will not be disappointed.

The best part for hub and I was watching the judges' faces!!

Do not judge one another, lest we be judged.

Day 4 and 5

No news, doesn't always mean good news.


It doesn't always mean bad either.


Its definitely been an educational week.


If I have to have cancer, I want DCIS.


MRIs are LOUD.


You do things you never thought you could.


I am tougher than I thought.


Still scared, though. (grin)


You close your eyes and don't look when the doc with the big needle tells you to!!


I was impressed to have a Harvard grad take care of me today.


He also has compassion -- and helped us understand more.


Cancer 101. You want DCIS.


My tumour is extremely fast growing.


Nuclear grade 3.


I have mostly DCIS, but first biopsy showed a spot of invasive.


Doc Smith said we want that to be wrong.


He showed me mine and how smooth it was.


Smooth is good.


No fingers reaching out ... I believe God touched it.


Invasive means chemo.


And a harder battle to fight.


But God changed it. I believe He did.


MRI didn't show fingers reaching out either.


It did show a HUGE mass. 8 cm x 6 cm.


I'm small, its bigger than my normal size.


It grew tremendously since March 3, 2009.


God is able.


I was never one to run to the doctor for every little ailment.


Now I will have quite a few ...


Surgical oncologist.


Medical oncologist.


Plastic surgeon.


Primary.


I need a primary, because the MRI showed some things.


Enlarged spleen.


Which will need to be checked.


Enlarged lymph nodes.


But I've been pretty sick.


We are not going there!!


Yes, they did do a biopsy on it.


If its there, I may just curl up and die.


But its not going to be.


I believe that.


I have to, or I'd not be able to take another breath.

Too much thinking is no good for your health.

16 April 2009

April 13, 2009 -- the date.

17:16 -- I distinctly remember looking at the time and seeing KU’s number.

Just because you have cysts – and fibrous breasts – don’t be too confident that you’re safe. I wasn’t.

If they put you off on being seen – MAKE A SCENE.

Mammograms don’t always detect breast cancer. Mine did not. It didn’t catch the first lump in 2003 either.

Breast cancer is now for life … I’ll always have had it … and it will always chart some of my paths in life.

Silence is not always good.

Prayer helps.

I totally believe in the power of prayer.

You totally know who your friends are when your life turns upside down, and who your friends aren’t.

Some co-workers end up being your rocks.

They’ll let you cry on their shoulders – and they will cry with you.

They’ll also stop everything – and immediately start praying.

I’m thankful he wasn’t ashamed to do that, I needed prayer.

The first 24 hours were the worst.

The first night was the longest night in my life …

People don’t want to hear if you have cancer.

Your stomach does tumble everytime the caller ID shows KU.

Don’t listen to well intentioned, otherwise uninformed people.

It scares you.

It scares you almost to death.

I believe God is a Healer and He will heal me.

How that will happen … remains to be seen. MTF!!

How do people handle it without Jesus Christ in their ring?

You find out how strong spiritually your kids are.

And how strong their faith in God is.

Cancer will bring the most stubborn to their knees.

Waving here!!! Yes, God you have my attention.

Weight loss is imminent, but while welcome, I’d rather be cancer free and fat.

Silence is never good. I’d like to amend that one.

My husband is a better man than I give him credit for.

I need to give him more credit.

You seek those who have “ins” with God and lean on their feelings about the situation.

You don’t have to meet the list of who gets breast cancer, I don’t meet a single thing.

No one in my family was ever diagnosed with breast cancer.

It makes me scared for my daughter.

I pray it hasn’t progressed to the point of spreading.

It’s bad.

I actually do have a confidence that it will all be okay.

It doesn’t mean the enemy doesn’t speak to me.

He needs to shut up. Hear that ??? Good. Shut up.

God will take care of it.

I’m thankful for that “We’re not accepting that” from a brother.

For the brother that told me he would pray and that he loved me.

And the one who said they were wrong before, looks like they are again.

I’m absolutely totally scared to death.

Oh, I already put that. (shrug) Still true.

There is no way I’d be able to take one more breath, if I didn’t Know God was in my court.

Thank you Lord for your peace and prescence. (and healing!!!)

God will use this for His glory.

I’m excited to see what He is going to do.

Doesn’t mean I still ain’t scared. LOL!

I don’t want to lose my breast. (s!)

Even though they’ll reconstruct later down the path.

It’s a girl thing.

Uh, boys look a little lower, wanna lose it?

I didn’t think so.

I feel good right now.

And I’m thankful for that.

Happy Birthday Stephen!

Today my baby Stephen turns 17 !

I do so love that kid -- he is so very musically talented -- he doesn't realize his true potential, but God does (and so do I!)

Happy Birthday Stephen!

We love you very much!!

I Will Rise

I've been having some health issues recently -- April 13th -- pretty much stunk.

I always wondered HOW I would handle it, if I was ever told that I had cancer. I (unfortunately) don't have to wonder about that anymore -- I have breast cancer.

I'll share more later -- especially how you need to fight the system a bit to get results sooner -- it appears to be a long road ahead for me and my family -- but -- By the Grace of God go I ....

I do so covet your prayers .... God is more than able.

Our Easter Menu

Some of the "fun" about Easter is gone now that our kiddos are older -- the boys still enjoy the candy though. We don't take away from the true meaning of Easter -- which is Jesus Christ.

Our church is hoping to break its attendance record this Easter -- and that would be standing room only -- but I'm expecting great things!!

We will have a huge outreach this Saturday going out inviting people to the house of God.

I know there are many who only attend church on the "big" days -- I'm thankfully the Lord showed us not to forsake assembling ourselves together. Since I work outside of the home -- alot of evenings I am just plain tired and would love to sit home and read a book and veg out !!!

To the menu -- we don't always have a grand menu -- but I've made the Easter Basket cupcakes since my kids were teeny tiny. They even asked last year, and my sons are 16 and 18! So they will be on the plan again. I give some away too because even 2 dozen are too much for us.

Photo Credit

Menu!
Baked Ham with Pineapple



Cheesy Ranch Potatoes (can you tell I love this dish?)



Seasoned Green Beans



Corn



Rolls



Fruit Salad



This Cheesecake


( I made this a few weeks ago, and used the 1/3 cream cheese, 2 egg beaters and low fat sour cream -- it came out great! Not runny or grainy in any way. It is so good!!

Menu Plan Monday -- 6 April 2009

Sunday -- Grilled Chicken Sandwiches, Spanish Rice, Spinach

Monday -- Crockpot White Chicken Chili

Tuesday - Aunt Liz's Chicken Spaghetti Casserole

Wednesday - Crockpot Jambalaya

Thursday -- Oriental Noodles and Fried Rice (love those Aldi Oriental Noodles!!)

Friday - Homemade Pizza or Taquitos

Baby Faith Hope ....

This child is an absolute miracle.

Go here to read her story.

God utterly amazes me sometimes -- I need to remember these things when things look darkest for me.

Keep them in your prayers! Make sure you hear Faith sneeze. She's darling.

The Blood of Jesus

(Received this in an email today -- how so very true!)

One night in a church service a young woman felt the tug of God at her heart.

She responded to God's call and accepted Jesus as her Lord and Savior.

The young woman had a very rough past, involving alcohol, drugs, and prostitution.

But, the change in her was evident. As time went on she became a faithful member of the church. She eventually became involved in the ministry, teaching young children.

It was not very long until this faithful young woman had caught the eye and heart of the pastor's son.

The relationship grew and they began to make wedding plans...

This is when the problems began.

You see, about one half of the church did not think that a woman with a past such as hers was suitable for a pastor's son.

The church began to argue and fight about the matter.

So they decided to have a meeting.

As the people made their arguments and tensions increased, the meeting was getting completely out of hand.

The young woman became very upset about all the things being brought up about her past.

As she began to cry, the pastor's son stood to speak..

He could not bear the pain it was causing his wife to be.

He began to speak and his statement was this:

'My fiancees past is not what is on trial here. What you are questioning is the ability of the blood of Jesus to wash away sin. Today you have put the blood of Jesus on trial.

So, does it wash away sin or not?'

The whole church began to weep as they realized that they had been slandering the blood of the Lord Jesus Christ.

Too often, even as Christians, we bring up the past and use it as a weapon against our brothers and sisters.

Forgiveness is a very foundational part of the Gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ..

If the blood of Jesus does not cleanse the other person completely then it cannot cleanse us completely. If that is the case, then we are all in a lot of trouble.

What can wash away my sins?

Nothing but the blood of Jesus! End of case!!!!

'Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and he shall sustain thee he shall never suffer the righteous to be moved.' Psalm 55:23

Image Courtesy of Proclaiming.Net