Missing Taco ...

I can officially say that last night was one of those "longest nights of your life".  Made it to work -- because I couldn't bear the thought of staying home in an empty house.  A house without Taco.  My grief is real, I decided I really don't care if people don't understand.  They don't have to.  Trying to think of good memories -- but the emptiness is still so fresh. 
Yesterday afternoon we were out in the yard looking at the goats, and of course Taco was following me. He ran like the wind -- not a normal little dog run -- but more like a deer.  He flowed when he ran.  I remember thinking when I watched him, how much I loved to see him run.  It was so different than a dog's run.
Woke up this morning, and tried to pray ... it wasn't the same, he'd come hang out with me in the living room until I went in the shower, then he'd go hang with Stephen until I made sure he was up for school.
Poor Stephen ... I'm thankful Stephen shared him with me.  Stephen told me during my treatments months ago, you need him Mom, let him stay with you.  He gave of himself so I could have comfort.  All those times I had to spend alone, I wasn't really alone.  My friend Taco was with me.  I love you Taco.  You will be missed ... so very, very much.

Memories of our friend ...

He loved to be with people ... much prefered that to anything else, even running free outside.  He tried to come with me when I left for the doctor's this afternoon, but I had hub hold him.  My last time to see him.  I remember looking back up the driveway at them, not knowing it would be the last time I saw my faithful friend alive.  

Not sure why it's hit so hard .. but it's hard ... I've cried, screamed, weeped, fallen to my knees, its been such an overhwhelmingly hard year, the loss of him has definitely brought me to my breaking point. 

I hate feeling in limbo ... not sure what to do next, and not really wanting to do anything.    Taco went upstairs with Stephen last night.  When it was my time for bed, I went into my room and shut the door.  Seconds later I heard him coming down the steps.  I went back over to the door and there was this little guy peeking under the door wanting in.  Miss you buddy.

His dog ID.   He'd been coming with me in the afternoons to pick up Stephen from school.  He would sit on the console between the two front seats.  Didn't matter that he was leaving his food behind.

Always wanting to be next to us humans.  God -- I need you to help me stop hurting. 

I'm so very sad. 

Me with hair earlier this year before BC.  Chilling by the wood stove and of course having to have a dog on your lap.  Love you buddy. 

I hate death, I hate grief, I hate cancer.  I hate the devil. I hate this kick in the gut feeling. 

I wasn't ready for this, I don't want him to be gone.  You can not imagine how much of a comfort he was to me these last months being on the back or in a chair for so many days of it.  He would always hang out with me above everything else.  He knew I needed him.  I could depend on him  I am missing him so much.

Its like a tomb in here ... quiet ... we've all cried.  Its entirely too early for bed too ...

it promises to be a long night. 

I know God is still on the throne and God is who will help us through.

Why ?

I sit here in the quiet of the house, with my precious Taco laying dead at my feet.  OH GOD.  I loved him so much.  Why did you take him Lord, why?

I'm overwhelmed with grief at the loss of this precious friend.  He stuck by me for hours and days of treatment and sickness.  He was my comfort.  I'm not handling the death of this precious guy well at all.  I've screamed, I've prayed, I've begged God to raise him back up.

I have blood covering my hands, my clothes ... how do I tell my son?  How do I do this?  How do I comfort my child when my grief is overwhelming me.  OH GOD.  Why, God, why? 

Please pray for us .. Josh is inconsolable -- these dogs ARE loved.  Taco --  you will be missed so very, very, much.  Stephen is at the doctor with my hub ... I need to get myself together before he comes home.  How that is going to be possible remains to be seen?

Josh came home -- oh God.  My son hurts .. my heart is so heavy.  I'd never have thought to have loved him this much.  But yes, I do love him and I will miss him so very much.   I love you Taco, my friend.  I love you.