November 19, 2009
Trying ...
Today .. the year 2009? ... has been particularly trying to say the least.

I am beyond tired ... been doing lots of thinking -- mind battles mostly, thinking of just giving up.  Tired.

Weary of the battles ... they seem constant.

Work was horrid -- we've been gone for 3 days and they decide we need to have a 90 minute at 0830.
{eyeroll}  Then they tell us we will have to compete for our job ... nice.  I gave up a promotion last year because this job was said to be getting one.   I do know it was the right decision -- because I know I would not have gotten the support at the other job with the whole cancer thing.

At church last night -- God moved in a mighty way.  Another sister in our church has cervical cancer.  Cancer sucks.  It robs you and steals things from you.  She was getting prayed for and I could feel it all the way over where I was.  Woah.   I went to pray with her -- and  you know what went through my mind?  Because I could feel her pain, I knew her struggles, I knew her fears, I knew the overwhelming crushing blows she felt ... because I had felt the same things.  I thanked God for that.  Without the cancer, I wouldn't have been able to relate in such an intimate way.  God is going to do amazing things through this ... if I could just get through it all ... but I will.  I'm tough.  The Lord made me tough.

My co-worker will be leaving as soon as the door opens ... I want to pray that God will not allow it to open, but it pains me to see him so unhappy.  He deserves better.  {sigh}

Who knows, I may not even qualify for my own job??  LOL   Now that would be a hoot!

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God can and does use the bad and makes it good in many ways. I went through a horrific kidnap/sexual assault thing and was left for dead as a teenager. God has used that in so many ways to help others and to teach me empathy and understanding. Will I ever be the same? No and that is not all bad either. love and huggles!

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