May 28, 2009
C Day ...
Totally unsure about anything this morning, its been a rough past week and I will be totally honest when I write that I dread this afternoon and treatment. The Taxol was a breeze compared to this stuff.

I have done pretty well with keeping upbeat but a black cloud has descended on me the last 3 days and it won't go away. I lost it the other night, I absolutely hate for my boys to hear/see that .

I've not felt well and had to drag myself to get a few hours in at work today. But I hope and pray tomorrow I am well enough to make it in.

I've learned many things through this journey thus far -- one is -- you never know what a person is going through, don't assume you know, because YOU DON'T. Don't add more to their burden -- be careful with your words and attitude -- they sting. They sting deeply. I will never assume to know what a person should do -- only those living it can do that.

Please help us pray about the finanical aspects of this -- we received the insurance paperwork for that Neulasta shot -- are you sitting down?
They expect us to pay $1162.00 our part. AND they want me to do 3 more of those? We are not prepared for that. We will talk with the doctor today to see if there is anything else, because we'll be paying for years on that. If I live through all this anyway.
The normal treatments are $65 for the Taxol and @ $105 for the A/C.
(huge sigh) We were doing so well -- this trial is hitting us all around, and not just my health.

Continue to pray about the surgery -- we both feel it needs to be OUT. It's such an aggressive cancer, it scares me to have it stay in there. But, I do believe God is containing it in the one tumour. IJN! I'm human, what can I say ...

I read this on a woman's blog who is dying from cancer (yes, I know now not to read those kinds of things, it only adds to the black cloud of dispair!) but it fits me today ...

God is still good.” And He is. We will not doubt Him now when the road ahead is dark. He will use this for good and for His glory. There is no doubt. And, in the depths of my sadness, that makes my heart glad.
Thanks for your prayers ...

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