Where to start ... 2

I do want to remember that I was absolutely expecting God to do something at this Wednesday appointment. Of course, what I thought "should" happen wasn't the way God orchestrated things.

Of course things changed then -- I had to go see the surgeon first thing Friday morning. I was on the phone many times Thursday afternoon. I ended up at the other St Luke's hospital in Overland Park and had to be there by 0730. It was a dark, dreary, rainy, cold morning. Again, I was solo. That dreaded kick in the stomach feeling wasn't leaving any time fast.
The tech said they ordered a mammogram for both sides. First, the mammogram on March 3rd didn't even pick up the tumour on the left ... I told her she could do the right, but not the left. She said the doctor ordered it. {shrug} I very nicely told her, that no, I wasn't doing the left because the last time it made the tumour grow, so sorry, but no. She seemed a little put out, but ... oh well. I don't think it picked up both lumps -- so mammograms SHOULD NOT be depended on if you have dense, fibrous brea*ts. (I'm afraid if someone does a search for that word, I"ll get some kooks finding my blog!)

I went to the sonogram room next. I've done lots of them so this was old hat. She was super nice, a cancer survivor herself, and normally more understanding. She checked the right and then checked the tumor side. She didn't say much, but she did say the lumps on the right were cysts. Tech can usually accurately diagnosis a cyst. My first thoughts were to Thank God. Ok, no cancer on the right. Whew! The radiologist came in after reviewing them and wanted to check more. He showed me on the screen the cysts on the right, but nothing about the left. I didn't really want to see anyway. I saw it back in April and it wasn't the normal black hole cysts are. I was afraid to see fingers branching out ... or worse. Shudder. There were no fingers branching out in April. And the first prayer we prayed was that God would contain the cancer. We still are believing that is an answered prayer. (but we're human ok -- we remind ourselves of that prayer when the thoughts get dark)

He said, that he could see of pockets of fluid on the left, but we'll see what Dr. Neblock says. I finally got to see her (she's the surgeon) and she mentioned many risks with surgery, about doing both sides due to the recurrence rate of the cancer. (God is still bigger than their percentages!) But that doing both sides was totally up to me. It is pretty much a given to do the left. She said mine are hard to check and by the time I would find it, it would be pretty advanced again. (if it did come back, but we're praying NOT!) She took me back to the sono room because she said she wanted to look at it herself. She kept saying, she knew I wanted to get the surgery done. Of course! I wanted this thing OUT. It feels like an invader or a huge invasion to me. I can't explain really.

It was a long morning, and I wasn't even done yet. I still had to get to Kansas City, Missouri to get all my scans done that afternoon. Fun stuff. I don't really like to do them, but I need to know if the cancer has spread. That would be Plan E -- the unthinkable, the unmentionable one. WE ARE NOT GOING THERE. Right, God?

We headed back to the sono room, and there was a tray with needles and sterile cloths. I guess they are going to do something then? I've had biopsies done before -- to be honest, I was a little afraid -- mainly because of the cancer, the other times they were all just cysts, so no worries about leakage or anything. I didn't look at the screen. But she pulled about 100 cc of fluid out. She said she could probably pull much more, but made me feel it and woah -- it had shrunk considerably. Amazing! She started squeezing and pulling. She told me ... "Ok Michelle, I know you want to do this -- there will be risks with healing, but I think its doable. Yeah God! She mentioned the risks a few more times, but finally to get to this point was awesome!

I need to remember that I felt God would do something this past week. Of course, I expected the tumour to shrink before my chemo appointment. But God had other plans. We believe they needed to actually check the tumour again. The Pastor said that himself. I haven't been sono'd since April. God put those lumps in the right so that they actually would. I know God does instant miracles, but He does do other types too, using man. I'll claim this as a miracle anyway. Pockets of fluid -- when everyone thought it was a huge tumour -- they said it could be dead tumor liquefied or just fluid. I looked at the needles, there was no blood. Mostly green and yellow stuff -- I've had that color pulled out with cysts before. There was blood in April.

What I thought was bad, actually turned out for good. I'm scheduled for surgery later this month. Thank you Jesus! I'm currently not dealing with the loss right now -- one thing at a time -- I will not be able to have reconstruction until later -- so I can't process it all right now. Its too much. Unless God reveals something else, the plan will be to have a double mastectomy. Ok -- enough of that, I can't deal with that today! LOL!

I went on to KC and got my injection for the bone scan. I was sitting there waiting to do the CT scans and start drinking that horrid stuff. I brought extra clothes -- sorry -- TMI. It goes right through me. I pulled out the paper they gave me, and asked the tech -- what does "No Oral mean?" She said where do you see that? Uh, on this order. She said it means you don't have to drink! YES! YES! YES! That stuff is horrid. So, I was able to do my scans in short order. I had to wait until 415 to do the bone one. I was completely physically and emotionally wore out. All I wanted to do was to lay down. But then the ladies did that at prayer meeting and prayed for me and I felt much better!! I have a few hard core encourager's and they were excited to hear the news. So, this is old news to them. I think we were all excited.

Now we wait to hear about the scans ... I can't imagine bad news. We're praying and believing God for none and given the all clear. Sometimes God uses what we think are bad things for our greater good.

We can NOW totally see the Hand of God how everything played out -- from the very time we noticed it beginning to get large again. Perhaps we may be close to the end of this trial ... I thank God for the things He has changed in me -- I know He knows what is best for me. I may not like it, but its for my ultimate good. I'm praying I can help someone else someday by my experiences with dealing with cancer.

Thanks Lord, I love you!